actually having a pretty good time right now. last night i felt really upset again, to the point of tears, and it's felt like that's the only emotion i've been capable of feeling. but i seen some leaks for a game i play about one of my favorite characters, and they've got me really really hyped for the update. so that improved my mood a lot last night.

and today, i played some more tomodachi life! the game is really really fun. really funny. i've never played the older games so this is my first introduction of it and i love it. ever since i moved my tv, my switch's cords can't reach it anymore, so i have to play it handheld. although, because of the face paint stuff, i'd probably play it handheld anyways. i dont have the new switch, and mine is kinda old now, so the battery dies a bit fast and i have to stop playing to let it charge sometimes. the miis i've created so far are childe, scara, and now signora. childe already fell for scara too.. (im an avid chiscara shipper)

with one set of my friends they love me dearly, they tell me i'm such a nice person and somehow they care for me so much. i don't understand how they do but it does feel really nice. i love them so much and they're the only people apart from my mom that i feel bad for when i think about ending my life. because i know those are the only people in my life it'll actually negatively impact.

but with my other friends i just dont feel that cared for. i feel kinda selfish to say that because they do care but they have a bad way of showing it. it really hurts to see your friend rant and say that they hate all their friends, like ok man what do you want me to say to that? should i even talk to you anymore? or will that also piss you off?

i just feel so strange. one set of friends adores me to death, the other barely acknowledges my existence. they all talk to each other but never me, i never get replies. it's weird

how can i be doing nothing but still feel like i have no time for anything in my life? i think it's just because i sleep too much. well, actually i don't sleep enough. but i'm sleeping at the wrong times.

i used to be way worse about it. i'd stay up until 6-10am (sometimes even to 12pm) and then i'd sleep until 6-8pm. i'd always be starting my day when everyone else is ending theirs. i'm glad i've gotten better about that, but yesterday i did end up sleeping until 5pm after being awake for a bit in the morning.

i hope i'm not starting that cycle up again. tbh, i did like it, but my dad was getting really mad about it. i don't blame him, if i was him i'd despise me. useless 21 year old neet sleeping around all day, that'd piss anyone off that had to live with it.

but anyways, i don't go out and do anything, yet i always feel like i've lost the time for things i want to do. i can easily pick up a book i've been wanting to read, but i just never do throughout the day, and then by the time i want to it's super late and i'm too tired to do it. right now i want to work on my fic some more, but it's already 4:17am while i'm typing this. i don't think i should stay up any later than this.

when i die i want this song to be played at my funeral,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjDw6NVQDjA



i've been watching welcome to the nhk lately and this track stuck out to me instantly when i first heard it. it feels both devastating and beautiful. i doubt this would be played at my funeral, but i like the idea of it being played and therefore associated with me by everyone that heard it

i really hope i die soon i dont want to make it past 25 or get anywhere near that. my life is completely useless. all i do is annoy people by existing. i think my friends hate me because they never talk to me. i wish they'd tell me they hate me

i'm not good at videogames i'm not smart i can't drive i don't have a job i don't have friends i'venever dated and i'm an adult wy am i still here

every day alive feels like torture i don't even know what to do anymore. at least i'm still breathing? still eating? is that enough? probably not. i want to disappear from my friends lives soon. it's really easy to do because i only have friends online, not irl. most of them won't have to deal with the pain of forgetting my face because they've never even seen it. just kidding, i don't think they'd miss it even if they did

the urge to just delete all of my socials and disappear from everyone is so strong. i’m so sick and tired of everyone. i don’t feel cared about at all. maybe i’m being selfishly blind but it really doesn’t feel like anyone is actually interested in what i have to say. i don’t add anything to anyone’s lives, half the time my messages are ignored/forgotten. having no friends irl and now basically none online hurts so fucking bad. i mean, i do have friends online, but i don’t feel cared about by them anymore. i really want to disappear. i wish i could go back in time and manually remove myself from their lives. i want to stop going online and i want them to wonder why

it makes me happy to know that if i died they’d feel guilty for always forgetting to respond to me, for ignoring me, for never texting. i really want them to feel guilty. i hope one day they find this and see exactly what i’ve said

i wish i could sleep forever or at least for a month straight i just want a break. i'm doing nothing but i still want a break.

nov 16, 2025

i think i'm a really insufferable and annoying person when it comes to couples. it pisses me off whenever i have to interact with them or whenever i have to listen to someone ramble about their partner. i should feel happy for them but i dont because i'm a miserable pos. no ones loved me for almost six years and even then it was only an online relationship that lasted for like a month.

i just want to be loved back by someone i feel so much love for people but it's always going to be one sided

Nov 11, 2025



Tonight my mom came into my room and told me to come outside with her. I couldn't see what she wanted me to see in the sky at first, but then I realized it was the Northern Lights. Sadly my city has too much light so it was difficult to see at first, but it was clearer when she would take a picture with her camera. Even if it was hard for me to see, I still think it was beautiful. I could see the lights moving just barely, and I thought that was really cool.



I can be the most hopeless person in the world sometimes, but seeing that our world can be so pretty makes me feel better sometimes. I think I should unironically go outside more, I always think to myself that I love the sky or I love the scenery of the trees changing colors.. or whatever else I see.

The other day it snowed outside while I was napping. I looked out my window and did a double take when I seen that the roads were white. It wasn't a lot of snow, but enough to make every roof in my neighborhood white. It all melted by noon the next day but I was still happy nonetheless.



Winter is my favorite season and Christmas is my favorite holiday. Even if the cold makes me want to curl up and die sometimes, the scenery makes up for it. I hope it snows more soon. It feels like the last few years have been pretty lame with the snow on Christmas day. It feels like there was always at least two feet of snow outside on Christmas as a kid.

i'm too lazy to try and decorate my own blog so i'm going to use this woohooo! i'm probably going to vent here more than i'd like to but oh well