@kan was our 300th user!

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@nekokoneko was our 100th user!

Been busy preparing for my PhD viva, so progress on developing the website is slow. But! Today I added the books page and the last book I read "The Count of Monte Cristo". There are still missing links and the blog style pages for each book are missing but progress is progress. Ah! Also added a notebook layout to the website which I'm really proud of.

i so want to be with you, even if it is over pathetic screens but you've gone to sleep and now i'm all alone. how come we have the worst timing ever- there's precisely this one moment i want with you- and you're not here, then you're here a bit, but even then i'm not feeling you, and then you're gone completely. you keep saying you're hopeful... i don't want you to be hopeful if that means you are numb to my pain and i'm the only one going to bed crying every night. how is it that all your needs from me are fulfilled- and mine from you are not? how come you can't relate to me in this moment of the deepest darkness, the one moment where i actually need you, the one moment that is happening to me *because* you came into my life? are you actually insensitive, or are you feeling it yet choosing to ignore it? why aren't you feeling the same agony i am?

every time you just leave me feeling i'm the only one who's in love in this relationship. not "loves". i'm saying, "in love". hey, are you really in love with me, or did you lie?

I made my weakness my ally

弱さを味方につけた僕は



Because I can fly higher than anyone else

誰よりも高く飛べるのだから



If I stopped at a place like this

こんなところで止まってたら



What is lost no longer shines

無くしたものが輝かなくなる

When you're lost somewhere

君がどこか迷った時に



If my mind was wandering too

僕の心も彷徨っていたら



I can't find it.

見つけてあげられないんだ



Not just kindness but also strength

優しさだけじゃなくその強さも

I understand.

分かってるんだ



It's dawn time

夜明けの時さ

to the highest point

最高到達点にまで



I'll run through it all at once yeah

一気に駆け抜けて行くから yeah



I'm probably laughing because I'm numb

麻痺して笑ってるんだろう



Maybe the pain of those days is in the past

あの日々の痛みも過去だから 多分

While the world is your enemy

世界を敵にしながら



I stop with my feet that are about to collapse, yeah

崩れそうな足で踏み止まる yeah



Just move a little bit more

あと少しだけ動いてくれ



Now, it's resurrection. It's time to wake up. Now

さぁ 復活だ 目醒めの時が来た 今

Now, it's resurrection. It's time to wake up. Now

さぁ 復活だ 目醒めの時が来た 今



(now now now now now)

（今 今 今 今 今）

Tears overflowing without being able to get up

起き上がれずに溢れた涙



Water puddles around the face

顔の周りで水溜りに



I can barely breathe

息するのもギリギリで



Tears were supposed to be my friend

涙は味方のはずだったのに

I understand.

分かってるんだ

to the highest point

最高到達点にまで



It ran through me all at once, yeah

一気に駆け抜けて来たから yeah



I'm probably laughing because I'm numb

麻痺して笑ってるんだろう



Maybe the pain of those days is in the past

あの日々の痛みも過去だから 多分

turned myself into an enemy

自分を敵に回した



It seems strong but it's fragile yeah

それは強いようで脆いから yeah



made myself an ally

自分を味方につけた



I should be stronger than anyone now

僕は誰より強くなるはずさ 今



(now now now)

（今 今 今）

to the highest point

最高到達点にまで



I'll run through it all at once yeah

一気に駆け抜けて行くから yeah



I'm probably laughing because I'm numb

麻痺して笑ってるんだろう



Maybe the pain of those days is in the past

あの日々の痛みも過去だから 多分

While the world is your enemy

世界を敵にしながら



I stop with my feet that are about to collapse, yeah

崩れそうな足で踏み止まる yeah



Just move a little bit more

あと少しだけ動いてくれ



Now, it's resurrection. It's time to wake up. Now

さぁ 復活だ 目醒めの時が来た 今



Now, it's resurrection. It's time to wake up. Now

さぁ 復活だ 目醒めの時が来た 今

i don't feel like anything is permanent in my life. probably nothing apart from the world i create inside my head. i feel this way because... i don't know. i am tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, endlessly... hey, how does it not hurt you? i mean, you say you're hopeful and everything, fine. well and good. but how does it not hurt you? do you really not care? do you only admire me like you admire anyone else in this big wide world? i loved, i felt it, and it hurts me to be apart... how come it doesn't do anything to you? are you really permanent? certainly doesn't feel like. i am tired of going to bed with hope and getting it dashed the next morning- you say you're in love- how come you don't feel that? and if you do, how come you don't say anything about it? whatever answer you have to these- you never seem bothered. how come i ended up loving you one-sidedly? you admire me, and you do things for me from a mile away- but what kind of love is it that doesn't make you feel even the tiniest of pulls towards me? i wish i could stop giving you the kind of attention you enjoy to make you see what it's doing to me- but i keep failing.

i realize that more and more over time. i have not had great luck with making friends for a few years not- mostly it's just been standing up to bullies...sigh, but well, i have finally found some nice, chill people who don't seem to labeling me with some value but rather genuinely just enjoy being with me. i don't know what deep friendships are like or anything- but for now, i am happy to be with this gang. i don't feel judged, i don't feel the pressure of anything. all i do is try and make them laugh which they do quite easily. it's so relaxed like the flow of water. each of them is dear to me in different ways. one makes sure i don't have to be alone even in the smallest of things, the other makes sure i study and i don't slack off, one loves art, music and reading just like me so we have a lot to discuss. one makes sure to roast me time-to-time and keeps grounding me, and they all treat me like home itself. i like it. i miss going out on walks with them. i don't know and i don't want to know too deep about any of what these feelings are. i am just happy with them. i hope they too, feel the same way. i got reminded of them today as i'm listening to the "The Peak" by Sekai No Owari- one of the songs i listen to with them and i love it. i don't know if God exists, but if you do- thank you, God, for these people. i find strength to be kind and to love people again when i am with such people. i find hope in life. simple walks even without deep, long talks have healed me so much inside out.

i went boogie boarding the other day and it reminded me of surfing. i realize that i love extreme sports like surfing and rock climbing because i love adrenaline. i read that people with ADHD are more drawn to extreme sports since they provide high levels of stimulation. now i really want to surf, snowboard, ski, and ice skate etc

*you* called it off. so what are you doing now being sad? you knew. you knew for a very long time that you were not relaxed. you knew you felt pressured. you didn't call it off earlier. because you are a coward. you were hoping otherwise- but you knew. NOBODY CARES. nobody gives a fuck about you. you were hoping that someone was finally going to be the home you wanted. you only stayed because of the occasional thrill it gave you. you were hoping, pathetically, that you could relax around him someday, just because he'd be with you. how could you think that would fix anything? how could you think *anyone* would feel right to the trash that you are? how could you even imagine that you can be comfortable living with such a smart person, being the dumbass you are? just because you loved him doesn't mean *you* will be comfortable. you knew it didn't feel like home. you were too much in love. you are weak, emotional and a coward. you never admitted that you actually enjoyed being smart before he came into your life, too. you couldn't take it that you were *always* the dumber one. you never admitted that you felt intimidated. you never did enough to fix it. and you can't fix it. it was wrong of you to try to get into this in the first place. no matter how much you love. your stupid love can't reduce the difference between you both. did you think everyone's like you? nobody has the time to be your home. you're on your own. either you learn to survive or you die.

today you picked up the strength to call it off. you couldn't take it anymore. but did you fix *anything*? no, you are still sad. you don't even know if you are more or less sad. you cried for months over this. but i sympathize with you. because i don't know what else i'd have done. i don't know where i went wrong, and what unfair i demanded. i just wanted to be happy. i never wanted my home itself to become so challenging for me. i still don't think it should. although i'm not sure how i will ever be happy again.

making a new section for things unrelated to my creative endeavors called "oddities." that's where i'll have links to my dream journal, the mood diary, my grandfather's writing, and anything else that doesn't fit the vibe of the main section of the website.

when the people closest to me don't feel relatable to me- not even half as relatable as the most distant friend i have- it hurts. it feels like there's a huge gap, a huge difference between us, and that's not what comfort feels like. i don't know- wouldn't you like your partner or family to be a simpleton? i definitely would. i don't think i'm wrong for wanting comfort and simplicity from someone who's supposed to be familiar with me. i don't believe i live to build a career- i'd rather say i'm building one to survive, not even to 'live'. so i want the people closest to me to be simpletons who i can relate with and be easy with. it's becoming increasingly hard to be relaxed with both my family and my boyfriend these days. he's been off the top of my head forever but now even my family is becoming slightly more demanding by the day. i am very clear about it- and i don't care about being progressive- i want my partner to be just as stupid and simple as me, and grow along with me. easy. i don't want to make my life harder by turning my deepest comfort zone into a huge difference. i think home is somewhere to relax- not constantly try to minimize the gap. my friends have started becoming my home- i don't feel the need to try to do *anything* around them anymore. earlier i used to, but now i'm getting more comfortable with them. right now, i can't even talk to them.

i only tolerate challenges outside because i trust my home to replenish me. if even home doesn't feel like home and my people are not familiar, how can i keep up? i want my home to be filled with people who feel human-scaled to me and easy to be around. when even the closest relationships start feeling like places where you have to minimize differences, keep up, justify yourself, or stretch beyond your emotional bandwidth, exhaustion builds quickly. it can create this strange loneliness where you’re technically surrounded by people who care about you, but you don’t feel rested by them. i'm not sure- there may be people who genuinely thrive in highly stimulating, constantly challenging relationships, but i'm not one of them.

i just want a life that feels more liveable to me.